WHY?

Why does all the "bad"things always happen to me? I want something so badly, and i dont get it. I pray for things to get better, but it doesnt. Why? Why does the Lord not answer my prayers!? Its been +-4 years now, praying and wishing, and hoping things would go back to the way they will. Im beginning to lose all faith. and i shouldnt. but what more can i do. what more must i do. am i not asking and believing to much? WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG> WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!! I WISH I COULD JUST DIE.......

how i miss you

Today i thought about you. for the first time since April. It was sad, i was sad. remembering how you walked down the stairs at Dulcé Cafe the first time you came to fetch me at work. Your smile still sits with me, the pony you gave me. I remember why you gave it to me as well. it might be in the cupboard at this moment, so Eden doesnt play with it, but i long to cuddle with it again. but im afraid. i might miss you. i might want you back. i know its over. its been over since before you left me that warm day on the 23 November. I cried for you, 12 hours non-stop. then i got over it. i think about you sometimes. but only because i wonder how you are. i avoid all contact or conversation relating to you. i miss your smile, i miss laying next to you, i miss holding your hand, i miss massaging you. but do i want and miss you back? no. i just miss having you around.